


there will be light

by i_dreamthedream



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 11:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17385419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dreamthedream/pseuds/i_dreamthedream
Summary: It's never to late to realize your children are extraordinary





	there will be light

**Author's Note:**

> This is another short story I wrote back in November, that was a tentative to write from Cynthia's perspective

Over the course of the last few months, Cynthia Murphy has learned a lot about her children. First, she learned that her son is suffering from several mental illnesses, including BPD and depression. She learned that under the most dreadful circumstances – with her son barely alive after swallowing a bunch of pills and crying tears of relief to finally have a diagnosis. She felt awful. For years Connor has been screaming that something was wrong with him but neither Larry nor her had been attentive enough to realize that he indeed, needed help.

She has also learned that her daughter was way stronger that she could have imagined. Not only Zoe was the one who found Connor overdosing in his bedroom and call 911, she also stayed at the hospital until Connor woke up. She didn’t cry, she didn’t speak. She just waited for him to wake up.

Cynthia doesn’t know what she said to him once he did. She knows it wasn’t pretty because both of them were in tears at the end of it. And they were shouting at each other, again. For a terrifying moment, Cynthia thought that it would never change. She thought that her children would never learn how to properly talk with each other and since Zoe was once the closest thing to a best friend that Connor had, she couldn’t hope to reach him. And so did that mean that they would always end up back in a hospital room or worse?

But she was greatly underestimating her children on that one. Connor started seeing a therapist, first because it was mandatory procedure after a suicide attempt and then they found a permanent doctor who Connor sees twice a week. Zoe offers to drive him and she later learns that Connor sometimes lets her come sit with him and they yell at each other with Dr. Smith playing referee in their screaming match. But it seems that session after session, they’re both learning how to properly communicate.

Zoe is allowed in Connor’s bedroom now. She walks in without knocking and usually spends an hour with him before dinner. Sometimes she does her homework while he reads. Sometimes she brings her nail polish and asks him to do her other hand and offers to do his. Sometimes Connor doesn’t wanna talk so she brings her guitar and plays softly for him. One memorable time, Zoe threads Connor’s hair into a very intricate French braid that he doesn’t take off until the next morning.

“He really let you braid his hair?” she asks Zoe after dinner.

“Yeah,” she shrugs. “He says it’s soothing.”

Cynthia is envious of that, of the quiet way they manage to exist together in peace. She’s not there yet with Connor and neither is Larry. Their son is still angry around them, though he lashes out less now that he takes his treatment. But it’s clear that he doesn’t trust them at all. When he regains his driving privileges – though every instinct in Cynthia tells her to never let Connor out of her sight again – he doesn’t tell them where he goes. Larry mumbles that he’ll probably do something stupid again and clench his fists the way he does when he’s fighting back fear. She isn’t doing much better but Zoe tells them that he’s somehow made a friend back at school – _“like a nice kid Mom, don’t worry!”_ – and that he’s probably over at their place.

Cynthia is not completely happy with that, but she’ll let it slide for now. Connor does seem to be on the right path so she’ll try to calm her own fears. Instead she decides that she needs to better understand her son, because she refuses to let this be the rest of their lives. Connor is trying to get better and that means he also needs a better, more understanding environment.

She books an appointment with a shrink on a Tuesday and tells everyone she’s going to a meditation class. The woman is in her late fifties, wears a cord around her neck to hold her glasses and generally reminds her of Roz in the movie _Monsters Inc._ She’s incredibly helpful though at explaining her how her son’s brain works and then encourages her to dive into her own fears and insecurities.

Cynthia drags Larry along for a session two weeks later and watch as her husband slowly admits that he has never been more scared than when Connor was set to the hospital and they didn’t know if he was going to wake up.

They come back to find their kids on the couch, both watching TV. Cynthia internally squeals to see Connor downstairs for once and quietly goes in the kitchen to make dinner. Larry lingers in the living room for a second then goes to his office.

When dinner rolls around Zoe sets the table and Connor silently retrieve the cutlery to help her.

Cynthia wants to cry. Progress.

They eat in silence, which is the new normal in her house. It’s not ideal, but she’ll take it over the screaming of a few months ago.

“Can I be excused?” Connor asks eventually. “I promised Evan I’d call.”

“Oh,” Cynthia says, surprised. Both that he would asks permission before leaving the table and that he’s mentioning someone else. “Sure thing. Is Evan your friend?”

Connor and Zoe share a long, long look that Cynthia doesn’t understand. Connor’s body radiates tension while Zoe seems to try to be encouraging.

“Boyfriend actually,” Connor finally mumbles. _Oh._

“Boyfriend?” Larry repeats and Connor tenses even more. “I didn’t know you…” Cynthia feels ready to throw herself at Larry if she doesn’t like his next words. “I didn’t know you were dating someone.” Larry finishes.

“Yeah,” Connor says curtly. “Can I go now?”

“Of course sweetie,” she smiles. She hears Zoe exhales with relief. When her son is halfway up the stairs she adds: “Connor?” he narrows he eyes down at her. “You’re welcome to invite him over anytime for dinner you know? We’d like to meet him.”

Connor is silent again for a moment before saying, “maybe,” and disappearing in his room.

Down at the table, Zoe compliments her on the vegan lasagna stating that it’s “almost edible, good job!”

She makes eye contact with Larry across the table and he nods. She smiles.

These are baby steps, she knows and the road to recovery ahead of them is still long but at least these steps are in the right direction.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it :)


End file.
